Bart Masterson

Bart Masterson was Hollywood's go-to western hero throughout the 1950s starring in such blockbusters as “It never rains Cabbage”, “The fire called them”, “It touched me” and the comedy western “3 ways to the booby hatch”, he was the ubiquitous lawmen gone rogue with a heart of gold in most of his films and just as often could be counted on to be a showrunner with his electric charisma, his Amazonian like good looks, his jungle dancing and his mysterious card tricks that lit the screen on fire in an age where

computer-enhanced images were only a dream. Bart had an unusually long attention span and he often competed in feats of mental strength which were performed during

stage tours of North America where he wowed audiences by remembering numbers of unfathomable complexity and length. It was during one of these shows that

he infamously beheaded a girl in a card trick gone wrong. It was 1947 and the young girl had come on stage to assist Bart in the "Spades-a-plenty" trick when an accident with

the explosive charges hidden in the deck occured and Bart had to get a pardon from the Govenor to leave Alabama.

Ever one for going deep into character he killed a man in 1952 with a six-shooter while preparing for a role. The man was a taxi driver that had bumped into his leg while he crossed the street in Manhattan. Charges were dropped as it was proven that the driver was in fact an illegal alien and Bart Masterson was deep in character development. Bart maintained that the alien in question was sent by control to limit the growth of our nation and prevent the beacon of time from becoming a reality.

No one knew what to make of this, but he managed to spin it into something good, with his beacon-of-time alarm clock, it made use of a lightbulb attached to the alarm circuit and had the ability to wake a person with light. The alarm clock is credited with the economic success of the United States following the second world war.

He was one of the early proponents of LSD. In fact, he credited the drug with his trademark 1000 yard stare, his sleight of hand, and his ability to dance a one-legged version of the Irish cattle jig.

His psychic abilities are credited to his father's choice of Lucky Strike toasted tobacco and a series of mysterious abductions during the conception period. After spending a year with an unidentified Indian tribe in the west, he came back 4 inches taller and filled with a vision for the future. He called it the Final Solution. Cryptically telling the foreign press that the state of Alaska and its native people were problematic to earth joining the federation of planets. Bart could recite hours of inspirational poetry that he claimed came to him at the behest of his extraterrestrial friends and assonicates. It was His wish and dream that his life would become a candle meaning - Welcome, to our space friends, I believe that with the events of his eventual death that he achieved this wish.

He came to prominence during his 1944 portrayal of Bart Masters in Six-Gun Gorilla at far point station, He was attracted to the role because of the similarity of his name and the lead human characters name, an event that he claimed legitimized his desires as an actor, and seemed to be mother fate offering her big fat tit to him. It should be noted that Bart was a tireless advocate of breastfeeding and these activities consumed much of his free time during this period. Bart believed that God was speaking to men through women's breasts and he fought hard for acceptance of the idea that breast milk was the fountain of truth.

His landmark film is 1955’s “they came for our women” It was the first major western to directly address the burgeoning UFO phenomenon. Bart played Conwright McCoy, the likable town sheriff that dispensed justice with a kind-hearted enthusiasm. Conwright McCoy was just as likely to holster a small guitar as he was a gun. The town became troubled when young virginal girls started to break their legs unexpectedly. The film is not without controversy, some schools in Montana refused to show it because of the extended use of alien sexuality and spiritual blackface during Sherif Mccoy's dream sequences.

The director is quick to defend, stating, “it is not up to us, Bart was communicating with some powerful forces at that time” Whatever he came up with, is surely approved by higher forces than those of earthmen. The director held no ill will, yet he never directed another western. Fotzenberg moved on to the series of Disney live-action educational films and had a surprising career comeback working as a royal ascended assistant to Otto Preminger on Skidoo in 1968.

Gathered in the town square, mothers, fathers, uncles of the afflicted gathered to demand justice. Bart won the academy award for general excellence that year. It was the first time American audiences experienced a hero cowboy that fought with music as much as brawn. The movie takes off in earnest after it is discovered that the young girls are not what they seem. This becomes evident as they hang around the saloon and make business with the menfolk. It is during these exploits and during a full blue moon that cracks appear in their skin and the audience notices that the girls are wearing costumes. They are simian cyborgs in disguise sent to teach the menfolk a lesson about the ways in which nature and roles develop over time. The love-making causes crystals to appear in the town square, each topping the other, making a crystal totem, which unknown to the townsfolks is a communications beacon inviting the second stage of the invasion. There is a secondary story that focuses on the town librarian and her unending sadness caused by her short attention span after receiving a magical pocket computer from the space folk that offered nearly endless yet inane entertainment. It was called the "dopamine mirror circuit" and looked like a modern iPhone.

The scene on boulder rock, where the mothership is conducting a duel of light and sound with the brave sheriff is one of cinema's most infathomable touchstones. The scene remains just as electric today, taking up the better part of two reels, and featuring, rare for the ’50s, full-frontal nudity and hypnotic visual patterns and music. The director credited the entire last half of the movie as coming directly from the mind of Bart Masterson.

In the initial town square scene, the juxtaposition of carrots and human legs snapping becomes an intoxicating blend of realism and the absurd, later analysis indicates the use of binaural beats present in all foley effects, and many papers have been written over the fact that all foley work for the movie was considered musical accompaniment, and every sound heard is part of a carefully constructed musical weapon designed to deliver messages directly into the subconscious of the viewer.

“We just showed up with the cast, lights, and film, and Bart pretty much held court,” said legendary director Aden Fotzenberg. I tried to fight it for the first six months of filming, but by that point, we were so over budget and had so little to show for it, that I just kinda threw in the towel and told Bart to go for it. To this day, I can't really explain what happened out there, but the truth is on film. I've been a believer ever since.

Go for it he did. Under Bart’s leadership, the crew worked more or less day and night, finishing the film two weeks later. Fotzebberg and the rest of the cast call the event the desert miracle and audiences fall into a quiet trance while watching, their attention spans being entirely consumed by what they are witnessing.

Bart’s career was riding high after “The came for our women” and marketing deals made him a very rich man. He was the official spokesperson for the Cail-Fame line of men's clothing and regularly appeared on the Jack Benny program pitching his Rinsoline brand of detergent and soap, that he created after a visitation from the Nordic Space brothers of Venusia. Jack swore by it and the audience ate it up.

1955’s “they came for our women” is a unique film that watches the audience as much as the audience watches it. It is one of the few examples of the Return Gaze of the screen, where the meaning of that statement is palpably felt and absorbed mentally by the audience. Watching TCFOW one immediately can since the fourth look.

That articulation of images brings us the viewer, and our activity, be it popcorn or self-pleasure into the position of being destabilized and put at risk. When the scopic drive is brought into focus, the viewer becomes the object of that look. The early scenes with BART playing guitar to the diseased and criminal orphan gang, puts us directly in the position of being a judge and juror of our own internalized hate and fear, as we both want to watch Bart dispose of the problematic gang, while we also want justice for the mistreated orphans, but we also more than anything want to hear Bart sing again, and that alone touches us, caresses the tender recesses of our hearts and minds while activating the pineal gland via sonic exposure to his unique rhythms. Audiences are left in a stone solid stupor, and remain monklike and motionless with their attentions spans frozen solid.

Bart abruptly left the acting world after this film, never returning.

He returned to some notoriety after his film career when he turned his mind, his work, and his considerable fortune from his children's cereal empire into a place for like-minded people to ascend to the second state of light mana, this was done via AMWAY speaking engagements and local mall appearances where he played songs from his movies and

sold Attention Span Pep Pills which could give anyone BArt's famous thousand yard stare while also fighting lombago, distress of the throat, and restless leg syndrome among other inflictions.

After that in the 1990s, There were a few returns to the small screen, most consisting of his financial manipulations of the beanie baby market on televised shopping programs, where he used his time to talk up the Beanie Baby bubble as well as to proselytize for converts to come to visit or live in his energy garden down in the swamp land of Florida. Bart had divided up thousands of acres of Florida desert into a unique blend of UFO cult, Ponzi Scheme, and investment fraud.

He considers the film, They came for our women to be a feminist masterpiece and he hopes that it can also be viewed in schools to stop bullying, and put an end to all racial disadvantages suffered by anyone, anytime, anyplace. Bart was famous for saying that if his films helped even one person, then the whole existence thing was worthit.

It is a film that is must view for anyone interested in the power of visual entertainment. It has a charm and a hammer-to-head immediacy that is lacking from other movies. Perhaps that is why Bart Masterson never made another film. There is no way that audiences could ever develop the attention spans needed for additional films. The mind is like a train set, and that film as well as my life, are the End of the Line, the last piece of track found half chewed up by a dog or covered in mysterious goo,

His final words to close family and friends were delivered from the side of his death bed in 2004, which was affixed to the basinet of a hot air balloon. The bassinet was designed to hang over 50 feet below the lifting envelope which allowed the whole structure to be lit aflame, giving him the Viking burial in the sky of Earth that he desired. It is not known if this was a suicide attempt or not because many have faith that Barts's visions were sacrosanct. In any case, he lifted off and was set to blaze with a mixture of thermite, compressed napalm, and Greek fire of his own design.

Unfortunate wind conditions meant that this whole conflagration was doomed to crash an hour after launch, the Pyle was still burning bright when it crashed into the Taylor Complex in Alaska, burning more than 6.38 million acres.